boulevard of broken dreams.*

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Please ignore the second half of my previous entry. Actually you can just treat it as a joke. It wasn't written by me but by Lam Zhilong whom you guys probably won't know so I shall not care to elaborate. Will update when I have better internet connection. Best of luck, huang cheng people! Jia you dao ju! And good luck to all J2s for your block tests...

.boulevard of broken dreams.`@ 8:16 PM

Monday, March 14, 2005

Today was just plain nostalgic. Never expected the tears to come as I packed up my final belongings. Just the sight of the class/school/GB tees was enough to bring back the vivid memories. The bittersweet experience of it all.

Finally. Reality is setting in. Hitting me right in the face too.b Like Zhilongs punch. So super heavy. 100 tons punch...

Sigh.. China beckons.. The thought of going to a foreign place with foreign guys really sends shivers down my spine..
But i think the feeling would be titillating.

.boulevard of broken dreams.`@ 6:26 AM

Sunday, March 13, 2005

I am an internet addict. I swear.

Internet connection was cut off on Friday. My computer was shipped off on Saturday. I'm devastated. I'm a wreck. I'm a walking lifeless... ok I'm exaggerating. But I SORELY miss talking online and all. Grrrrr.

Was banned from going out on Thursday to pack my stuff that I wanted to ship off. It sucked because I had absolutely no time for getting in the sentimental mood due to my mum. " Quick! Don't waste time already! Just throw everything in the box! What are you doing?! Why this thing left here half packed?!" Yada yada... so with amazing speed, I finished packing EVERYTHING in 2 hours.

Yesterday was Saturday, and also ROT-AT-HOME-DAY. I glued my lifeless body to the sofa and stared at the television screen for hours, as retarded shows flashed before my eyes. Then I gave up and hit the sack for hours before waking up just in time to get ready for the school band concert. Really enjoyed the percussion ensemble! Well done Seekie and Yi Hui! And Yi Hui's drumming solo was nice too =D

Okay enough of the personal recounts. I've got a shoutout job to do.

Dear 401: Thanks for the well wishes, and to Wan Ying, Janice, Fung Ying, Daffy, Charmaine, Xinyi, Steph, Eve, and Feli for the wonderful dinner. I enjoyed your company tremendously and I'm really touched by all of you! Thanks for the gifts. They really made me smile.

Dear 05s68: Thanks for the messages in the big card and the big collation of photos. It was really sweet of you all.

Dear dao ju: Had a great dao ju outing with you guys. Hope you guys had fun belting your hearts out yup? Thanks to the seniors for the gifts/letter/well wishes.

Dear Losers + Christie: You guys were the best thing that ever happened to me. Don't know what would become of me if we hadn't gotten close.

Dear Ms Sandra: You are an inspiration to us all. Thank you for your encouragement and guidance all these years.

And to all others who wished me all the best, and to those who thought of sending me off, I am so grateful for you guys who care for me. Thank you so much.

Words were never my strength. And it makes me sad that I can only say "thank you", when I mean to say so much more. But I can't.

.boulevard of broken dreams.`@ 9:30 AM

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Here I am again, reminiscing about the events that have happened in the past couple of days.

Monday was D-Day. Strangely, I didn't experience the butterflies-in-stomach syndrome before getting my results. When I saw the top scorers troop to the front of the hall, a million thoughts scattered through my head. A contrasting vision of weeping faces amidst gleeful expressions throughout the hall was imprinted in my mind at that very moment. Then I thought of the emotions that were going to burst forth in the aftermath of the release of results: joy, surprise, sadness, disbelief... and I started to worry about my results. I went for my O levels without any specific goals and aims, because I knew my grades wouldn't affect me for my school placing in Beijing. And yet I didn't slack off then because I wanted to know if I could do well enough to enter HC. Basically, I was hoping it would serve to be a sense of personal achievement for me.

When I finally had the guts to glance at my result slip, I must say the first (and eventually, only) emotion I felt when I calculated my aggregate was relief. 7 - the same for my prelims and most probably adequate to remain in HC if I wanted to. But when I glanced around the hall, my whole mood just changed completely. I saw tears of disappointment and even hysteria, and I felt heavy-hearted immediately.

I agree that results are not everything but they do decide our fates at certain points of our lives. As much as we all would like to believe that results are not always a true reflection of our capabilities (especially if the results are horrendous), it's difficult to accept that reasoning at the point of time when you're staring down at your grades. My heart goes out to all those who tried their best but didn't get the results they were expecting or truly deserved. Hope that the pain you feel fades away fast as time goes by. Thank you to my family for your understanding and support, to my friends for the encouragement and to my teachers for the guidance.

I remember vaguely that somewhere in one of my entries I mentioned something about how I don't miss people now. I think I might want to take those words back. The truth is, I don't know. Right now, I don't feel that I can't bear to leave my friends here. However, I most probably will miss all of them (yes all of you!) when I get to Beijing and start afresh in a new environment. People have been coming up to me and asking me about my move to Beijing, and although I don't show it, I'm really touched because these people were not necessarily close to me, and yet they showed that they care.

SQ 802. 0900 hours. Terminal 2.
If you want to meet me before my flight, come at 7.30 am. =)

I am so proud of my brother. Best recruit of the company and good A level results. Really wonder when I can ever be like him.

Currently in a really pensieve mood. Fleeting nonsensical thoughts prancing about in my brain. I should stop blogging now.

.boulevard of broken dreams.`@ 7:22 AM

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Mixed feelings.

I feel let down and disappointed by you. Suddenly realised that you are no longer that perfect and flawless as i had thought you were. Or maybe I was just turning a blind eye to your faults, choosing to believe that your qualities far outweighed them. But now, it's just hard to ignore the ugly side of you. All that I've believed in has just failed me.

And then I hear comments about me, including your voices. And the tables are turned. I now stand accused.

I've let you down too. You and I both know I've changed for the worse. It never occured to me that I myself had disappointed you as a close friend, and that I've shattered your once unwavering confidence and belief in me. It doesn't help that there's now a lack of understanding and trust between us now.

I've been so caught up in my criticisms of others that I've forgotten to judge myself. It's time to take a step back and reflect upon my own attitude and actions. I wish I knew what people thought of me, so that I can improve on my faults. And yet, I'm afraid to listen to those comments. This is something I should really work on - learning to accept others' criticisms of myself.

And right now, I just want to say I'm sorry to all of you.

.boulevard of broken dreams.`@ 7:49 AM

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

It may seem that I have a split personality disorder. But who cares.

Crashed RJ yesterday. It was pretty fun to wave at people, and observe their reactions after 3 - 5 seconds of stoning and staring, finally realising that I was NOT from RJ. Hmmm. Met and bumped into most of the people that I wanted to see, especially my dearest LOSERS. And Karen crashed too haha YO PAPA MUTHUSAMY! It was like being back in RGS. Pretty different from HC I guess.

Went to Macs with the LOSERS minus Sue Jen and we unleashed our loser-selves. Charmaine and I were at the counter, looking at this sign that said "$1.95 value meal" and the sign was surrounded by pictures of McFlurry ice cream, ice lemon tea, lime juice etc. And there was a huge picture of a double cheese burger beside them all. So I purchased an ice lemon tea for $1.95, and then Charm and I waited at the counter for about 5 minutes, waiting for the double cheeses burger to come. Then I asked the lady at the counter about the burger, and she looked at me dumbly, and then I confirmed that the value meal did not include any burgers whatsoever. Feeling loser and stupid, Charm and I went laughing back to our seats, and blamed the whole incident on a case of bad grammar "value MEAL! What was the word 'meal' for man!".

And when Audris and Felicia went to buy their own stuff, they came back and told us "That sign does not read value MEAL. It reads value MENU!!!"

All I can say is WHAT'S NEW. Losers will be losers.

Helping out in dao ju has been unexpectedly pleasant and satisfying. =) To those who are rolling your eyes, SCREW OFF. This is one thing I will never regret doing in my life. (Er-huh!)

I don't know if this is good or bad. I don't miss my RGS days, I don't miss my friends who're not in HC, and I don't miss my brother. It's not that I don't like them or I want to forget them. I enjoyed my time with them, and I love them, but I just don't MISS them. Quite a drastic contrast from how I used to be. Have been pondering on this "issue" for quite some days already and I still can't think of an explanation.

Have I learnt to let go of the past and just move on? That hardly sounds like me. I don't know what to say when people ask me if I'm going to miss my friends when I fly off. And I get uncomfortable when people ask " Won't you feel that you can't bear to leave your friends?" because my current answer would probably be a NO. Who knows? Maybe I will only start to miss people after I move, when I have to start adapting to a whole new environment once more.

My friends will always be my friends, no matter where or when. Time is unstoppable, and life is unpredictable. Perhaps I have learnt to accept life as it is. People come and go, and there is no gurantee as to what will become of them. I am just thankful that fate has allowed our paths to cross, and it has been a joy knowing all of you. Thank you for leaving your footprints in my life.

.boulevard of broken dreams.`@ 9:18 PM

How am I supposed to know that he had an asthma attack, or that there was a fire at his camp. How the hell am I supposed to know you needed me at home.

Don't lecture me on family responsibility or accuse me of not having any at all. I can't believe you don't have any faith in me.

Don't threaten me. Don't vent your frustrations on me. Don't yell at me. Don't criticise me. And don't you ever dare to hit me. Don't fucking try.

.boulevard of broken dreams.`@ 6:37 AM

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Have been told that my blog is DARK and GLOOMY by quite a few people, and someone said I was WHINEY. Hmm ... :) heh

School's been a drag, trainings are not much better because I suck so much at it, and my piano hasn't been touched for a long time. So I've decided to put a stop to it, after an unexpected advice. Enough is enough.

JTS on 19 FEB... well what can I say? Can't judge whether it was a success or failure. I'd probably be too biased. I'll just have to settle for being thankful that everyone reached and went home safe and sound and that there were no major screw ups in the booking of rooms and food etc. And I hope the seniors had fun. Sorry for the lack of any interesting activities. Thank you to the huang cheng people who came down after your huang cheng activities even though you guys had a long day. Really appreciate it. Thanks to Jon, Christine, Pei Nee for helping out and thanks to everyone else who turned up too. Oh yes, Smackdown really is fun! Haha... I want to play it more often!!! Guess it's a good thing that the karaoke set was fully utilised. I had no idea Yu Pai was so into singing!

The walk out of portsdown road was just giving me the chills because 1) it was dark and the street lamps sucked 2)it was the first time I was taking that route and I was leading a bunch of people out 3) I only had a small NDP 2004 Nokia handphone torchlight. And it didn't help that KJ was attempting to freak me out la! Kept trying to catch up with me to tell me stories that started like " hen jiu hen jiu yi qian, you yi ge..." I was practically jumping and shrieking along the way. And Jia Cheng kept going on and on about how I was going to lead them somewhere and sell them and some rubbish like that. Sheesh! But seriously the route was damn ulu!!! We went up this path called WOKING ROAD and then tracked along this trail in the grass that we couldn't find at first, then crossed over a railway track, got through a hole in a fence, and then walked for goodness knows how long before we reached Commonwealth MRT. I was bullied along the way because I happened to be the shortest, and the only girl out of the 9 people, and the other 8 kept making remarks such as how we would wind up where we first started off for the night walk lol! Hmm... and my shoe lace came out a million times. Damn irritating and I really felt like cutting it off!!! Yep... to come to think of it, the night walk seemed more fun than JTS itself... Oh well...

Went to visit gong lao shi with Xiu Wen, Xin Yi, Yawen, Jia Yan, Jac and Elaine today. Had a good time at lao shi's place! Talking about our lives and futures... Time really flies man. I'm so lucky that I've found my passion in life and I know what I want to work towards to :) Am eternally grateful to my parents. Hung out with them until about 2 plus or 3 plus before my mum called me and yelled at me to get my butt back home. I was so exhausted from JTS and lack of sleep accumulated over the whole week that I fell asleep promptly on the MRT and missed my Bishan stop! ARGH! And ever since then I've been having a perpetual headache... kind of like the probing sort. A sign that I should sleep more huh. I believe my eye bags are worsening again. What's new.

I hope I'm doing the right thing. Somehow I feel that I'm not going to regret this decision. Guess this is another phase in my life where the curtains fall and I make my exit.

.boulevard of broken dreams.`@ 2:48 AM